The Head addressed pupils in the Cathedral on the last day of Lent Term. You can read his Address below:
It is not easy being a young person in the 21st century.
On the one hand, there is the constant and ubiquitous challenge of being available, on-call and on-song. Grown-ups may talk about just putting the phone down, but that is easier said than done when all your social life is there, contacts, platforms, streaming and so on. The pressure seems to have increased to be on one’s game, to be the best version of oneself, with the distinction between being on-show and on one’s own ever harder to make.
On the other hand, there is the sense that we are not good enough, can never be good enough. There is always someone with better results, a better voice, more goals, more followers. Some of this is deeply embedded in society from cultural and religious norms. Indeed, we have had more than one reference to that in our Cathedral addresses this term. The Chaplain in his excellent series talked about 3Ps, prayer, purpose and penitence. The last involves regret for our imperfections. This was picked up by Dr Richardson who talked about his impression as a child that he needed to be good to be loved by God.
In many ways, it is easier to be a young person at Norwich School than in other settings that one could imagine. There are many and obvious benefits in our location, resources and community and we have many reasons to be grateful for our situation. Yet there are also particular challenges of going to school in a setting such as this. I will pick out two:
- Because there is a good deal of talent here, there can be an element of competition. Where there is competition, there is a tendency to hide weaknesses and/or not treat our competitors as well as we might.
- Because there is a lot of opportunity here, there is a desire to get stuck in, which might lead to a sense of obligation to be involved in too much, in effect to feel a need to over-achieve.
Separately or in combination, they can lead to a situation I have heard referred to as “swanning”: individuals giving the impression on the surface that everything is going just fine, but paddling frantically under the surface to give that impression of serene elegance and not feeling internally the outer sense of calm being projected. All are aware that there are some harrowing stories of young people getting into difficulty because of such pressures and not feeling able to discuss them. If anything, these challenges have increased for your generation as a result of Covid when many of the most vulnerable were forced to deal with exceptional circumstances without the support networks which had sustained them.
These are undoubtedly challenging ideas, but it is important that we try to articulate things that worry us; a helpful phrase which was given to the staff by Angie Browne earlier in the year is to get used to “sitting with others’ discomfort”.
I wish that I had a simple phrase or piece of advice to solve the conundrum of, on the one hand, always pushing and striving but, on the other hand, never being good enough, never reaching that destination. Unfortunately, I don’t think there is a single, comprehensive solution. This is partly because we are all different, as we heard in today’s Bible reading; we have different priorities, tolerances and capacities. There are obvious things in which we will want to do our best, such as public examinations, and others which are less important: an in-class vocabulary quiz, singing along to music on the way to school, having a tennis ball kick-around in the playground. Yet for some, the dance rehearsal is the highlight of the day, while for others it is the chemistry practical, or the sports practice, or the community service placement. Some are individual activities and others are group sessions which require the collaboration and input of others. And these priorities change as we mature and alter our perspective.
So, the goals we set ourselves and the judgments we make on our performance are particular to each of us. Yet being self-aware and reflecting in a particular situation as to whether you are going to push for that further improvement or be satisfied with what has been achieved will help you to make informed judgments about your overall best interests in the future. It is not realistic to stop and conduct such analysis for every single decision throughout the day; it would just be too slow. However, going through a process of self-regulation from time to time will help you to learn about yourself and to make even better judgments over a period of time.
As you navigate the challenges of being young in the 21st century, one thing I am sure about is the following: it is better to talk and to share, especially when you are uncertain or feeling vulnerable. The problems of “swanning”, whether at Norwich School or elsewhere, start as an issue of communication, of not being able to share discomfort. Please know that you are not alone in making difficult judgments: as you are growing up you can seek advice about what to prioritise from supportive and trusted adults, both at school and at home, as well as valued friends of your own age.
I think there is a balance whereby you can both to aim high and be gentle on yourself, to push and relax. What I mean is to reflect on the times and activities when one of these is the more important priority, to help establish what makes you tick.
I think engaging with this process helps to deconflict the apparent paradox between striving to be the best version of oneself and the imperfection of human beings. Indeed, the latter releases us to enjoy the former. People will always make mistakes and get things wrong; there will always be someone out there better at something you enjoy. You can shape your own journey and be in control of your own responses to the world as you meet it, so concentrate on and enjoy that.
Dr Richardson told us in his address that he learned as he got older that the love of God which he had felt to be conditional on his behavior is actually unconditional and this provided a stable platform for him to aspire to behave well. There is something in this for all of us, regardless of faith: as human beings we are at the same time both never good enough in that we are flawed and imperfect but always good enough in that we each of us is an individual with a unique offering to make to the world. Reconciling ourselves to this conundrum is something for us all to consider.
I offer all good wishes to you and your family during the upcoming holiday.